My Weekly Personality Analysis

"Yeah, weekly--whatever," I hear you say. I don't blame you. But, here's something. Via DISContent, among other places, I give you...

My Top 25 TV Characters

The rules are:

• No puppets or cartoons, otherwise Kermit and Homer would definitely be on this list.
  
• No mini-series, otherwise I'd definitely include Philip Marlow from THE SINGING DETECTIVE.
  
• No reality show people, otherwise Matt Kennedy Gould from THE JOE SCHMO SHOW would be on here.
  
• All characters must be regulars on the show.

Okay, so here we go.

The Doctor, DOCTOR WHO - Even before Travis Bickle, here was a character who brooks absolutely no crap from anyone, in all of space and time!

Kwai-Chang Caine, KUNG FU - Too bad we no longer live like in the Old West where one could just wander the earth with no identification, mind your own business, and kick the crap out of anyone who tried to screw with you. Yeah, you better believe that no one tried to make him build a railroad, either. He'd have shoved his foot up their white...but, I digress.

Archie Bunker, ALL IN THE FAMILY - See, if only all small-minded bigots were like him. In fact, most of the small-minded bigots I ever knew were just like him. They'd more or less keep it at home, toss out a few of their outdated views over dinner with their inner circle, and then could at least treat my minority ass with a modicum of politeness even when they let something slip that they maybe shouldn't.

George Jefferson, THE JEFFERSONS - See "Archie Bunker," except add cash!

Kerr Avon, BLAKE'S 7 - "Underneath that cold exterior beats a heart of pure stone," says one of his crewmates on the battlecruiser Liberator. Even if you don't buy the political allegories of B7 or even just don't like it because it's a cheap British 70s sci-fi show, the show does manage (unintentionally) to chronicle one man's slow decent into paranoia and psychosis.

Gareth Blackstock, CHEF - I'd love to be enough of an expert on something to be able to heap mounds of verbal abuse on people, and just have them take it because they want to be around you and learn your stuff.

Cmdr. John Koenig, SPACE: 1999 - As the episode "The Exiles" shows, Koenig has no compunctions about kicking a btich out the airlock (literally!) to save his command.

Capt. Benjamin Sisko, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE - His character was definitely no throwback to Captain Kirk, but he was no wussified "diplomat" captain on a luxury liner, either.

Det. Lennie Brisco, LAW & ORDER - I'd love the ability to be at a gruesome crime scene and make snarky remarks about the victims.

EDA Benjamin Stone, LAW & ORDER - He's a model on how to professionally display utter contempt for someone, like the scum he questions on the witness stand.

EDA Jack McCoy, LAW & ORDER - I love watching his self-righteousness override any sense of compassion. He doesn't care, he doesn't give a fcuk, and he just doesn't wanna hear whatever you have to say that would get in the way of how he prosecutes a case.

Det. Robert Goren, LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT - Those mannerisms are just too fun. Creepy, but fun, especially the way he always bends over to one side when he's interrogating a suspect. Plus, what kind of cop carries around a leather portfolio? I always think he looks like an insurance salesman with that thing.

ADA Ron Carver, LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT - He may be quiet and soft-spoken, but he's basically Shaft with a law degree.

Col. Eli McNulty, E-RING - I dunno, I just like the way Dennis Hopper would say one of two lines almost every episode: Either, "Let's go get those sons of btiches!" or "Let's bring our boys home!"

Richard Fish, ALLY MCBEAL - Because I respect any man who can declare: New firm policy, listen up! Anybody who sues this firm or me, personally, we all drop whatever cases we are working on. We devote all of our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life. Are we clear? I don't want to stop short with just getting even. Retribution is not strong enough. Ruin, that is the goal. Irreversible, irreptutable, irrational ruin! New firm policy!

Remington Steele, REMINGTON STEELE - Because he taught me what a metrosexual was before there was even a word for it.

Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, ARE YOU BEING SERVED - The quintessential stereotypical gay man...or is he? Maybe he's unisex?

Henry MacNeil, GOOD VS. EVIL - He's a proud Brother with a 'fro and an orange Volvo, kicking Morlock ass, and saving souls with weapons soaked in the blood of an innocent.

Dave Lister, RED DWARF - What do you do when you're the last human being alive stuck 3,000,000 years in the future? You tough it out and make the best of it, that's what. You learn and you grow, but basically stay the same sort of person.

Spock, STAR TREK - Yes, he's all kinds of cool. But we share something. We're both more comfortable with being the second-in-command, taking charge once in awhile when we have to, than the head honcho.

MacGyver, MACGYVER - Proof that a Swiss Army knife and some duct tape can make you all kinds of cool, even when you're rocking a mullet.

René Artois, 'ALLO 'ALLO - All he wants to do is run his cafe and keep his affairs with his two waitresses secret from each other and his wife. He manages it, even though he's got Nazi's on one side, the French Resistance on the other, and downed British airmen in the cellar. See, that's called poise.

Quark, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE - Yes, a greedy, manipulative criminal from an alien race devoted solely to the making of profit. But, he's also the sort who would sell food to oppressed aliens at cost which makes him, in terms of cultural relativism, kind.

Denny Crane, BOSTON LEGAL - You can't tell me that this guy isn't cooler than Captain Kirk. I love whack-job characters who can get away with things like brandishing a loaded rifle in a courtroom in Boston, Mass.

Donald Ulysses MacDonald, MONARCH OF THE GLEN - See "Denny Crane," except replace Captain Kirk with Doctor Who.

Is this 25? I didn't even count, to be honest.