Improper Use of Math - Despite the obvious mathematical flaw, the following is presented for chuckles and does not necessarily represent the opinions of the producers, this station, or this website.

Proof that Girls are Evil

First we state that girls require time and money:
Girls = Time * Money

And as we all know, "time is money."
Time = Money

Therefore:
Girls = Money * Money = (Money)^2

And, because, "Money is the root of all evil":
Money = (Evil)^1/2

Therefore:
Girls = [(Evil)^1/2]^2

We are forced to conclude that:
Girls = Evil

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The Revenge of the 80s - I know I'm not the first person in the world to make this observation, but I was definitely the first to make it among my group of acquaintences. The 80s have returned! Note the following, based on my observations.

Item One
A "George Bush" in the White House. 'Nuff said.

Item Two
The economy sucks. I'm not really blaming anyone. It's just another eerie similarity.

Item Three
Another "evil empire" whose ideology the United States opposes and has taken it upon itself to eliminate. Then, it was the "Pinko Commie Trotsky-ites," Nowadays, it's "Muslim Fundamentalists." You say, to-MAY-to...

Item Four
In the wide world of toy/comic book/cartoon tie-ins, we have updated rehashes of Transformers, Masters of the Universe, thunder... thunder... thunder... Thundercats, and G.I. Joe. Maybe this time around, I'll finally find out what the other half of the battle is.

Item Five
80s actors actors popping up in wierd places. Now, this has been going on for awhile. Everyone remembers Anthony Edwards from ER in Revenge of the Nerds. I also remember when people used to chuckle at the mention of Ally Sheedy. Now, people dig the indie films she does. And, Bill Cosby never fooled me. It's still the same TV show, especially if he's still hanging out with Phylicia Rashad. Props to Ted Danson, though. He walks down the street and as many people go "Hey, it's Becker!" as they do "Hey, it's Sam Malone!"

Item Five-A - 80s actors popping up in rehashes of 80s movies. He may not have the same buggy-eyes as Christopher Walken, but I actually dig Anthony Michael Hall in USA's The Dead Zone. I felt this deserved special mention.

Too bad "70s retro-cool" is still the "in thing" in fashion. I've still got all my skinny neckties, just waiting...

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Repeat Offenders - "You know, unfortunately, by the time you're about 25 you realize you've pretty much met all the people you're ever going to meet, by which I mean everyone you meet after that is some sort of variation on the theme."

What a way for Fran Lebowitz to crystallize something I've observed about the people I've run into during my time on this planet. It pains me to think I've been around just long enough to make a similar observation.

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"That It Wasn't Really Wasted Time" - Let's examine another aspect of the question of "Why start a blog?" This aspect has to do with time and is usually phrased, "Don't you have anything better to do?"

Yes, I can and have done other more important things between entries. I'm the first to admit I'm hardly writing the Great American Novel, here. But, before you judge my use of time, maybe you should see how other people expend their time and energy. There are those who sit down down and fire off letters in protest of an entertaining, slightly informative, but mostly harmless National Public Radio show, Car Talk.

I'm not denying anyone's right to say what they want to say about whatever it is they believe in. I'm just saying it would probably take more effort to hate the show, let alone rant about it, than the stars of the show put into making it. Then again, I guess the people at Car Talk do take the time to actually post their hate mail online.

So, why exactly shouldn't I do this blog thing? It's my time, after all.

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Today's New Word - MALAPROPISM
from The American Heritage Dictionary, 2nd College Edition
n. A ludicrous misuse of a word.

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Motto by Langston Hughes

I play it cool
And dig all jive.
That's the reason
I stay alive.
My motto,
As I live and learn,
     is:
Dig and be dug
In return.

This is a poem that represents one of my personal strengths. I thought it would be appropriate to share this today.

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and from my ear to my brain
is a torturous route
i can’t say how many nights i cry
for just a moment inches from the light
and your dream should have come true

Beckley-Lamm-Wilson, Feel the Spirit
(words/music by Robert Lamm, Peter Wolf, Phil Galdston)

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Today's New Word - EXCORIATE
from The American Heritage Dictionary, 2nd College Edition
v. 1. To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade. 2. To censure strongly; denounce.

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You Think You Have An Attitude? - I've pored through quite a few blogs in my interest to see what's out there. I suppose as long as there have been personal webpages, there have been people who dazzle with wit, baffle with BS, or more interestingly, try to scare you with a display of attitude. You know the types.

There's, "Here's my opinion, and I'm too cool to give a [pick your expletive of choice] what you think." I can live with those. These types can at least calmly and logically express whatever viewpoint they're pushing. Consequently, their rants tend to be more of a coherent display of rational thought.

Then of course, there's the "Yeah, this is my opinion, I'm right, and I don't give a [pick your expletive of choice]-ing [second expletive] what you think!" types. These are the ones who actually fantasize that they're intimidating and/or belittling you somehow, because you just don't get it. At least, until after they've finished enlightening you. You gotta love them. Their computer skills probably mean the difference between getting mostly ignored versus totally ignored if they verbally tried to spout their spew.

As I pondered this, it reminded me of an example of a mix between the two. Check out the Old Bastard's Manifesto by comic author Warren Ellis. It's a well thought-out, intelligent yet angry rant, definitely not for the weak-minded. If you want an example of how to really scare somebody by lashing out with your words, this is it. The audience he's directed this rant to probably should feel stupid by the time they read this. Would that any of us could rant so well.

And the best part is that he's talking about comic books.

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Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
All your kids are named Joe.
Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
Instant coffee takes too long.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
When someone asks 'how are you' you say, 'good to the last drop'.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You don't tan, you roast.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
You short out motion detectors.
You ski uphill.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
You speed-walk in your sleep.
You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

This was sent to me. Perhaps I'm being dropped a hint...?

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Other People's Words - A blog's supposed to be a place where you put your own stuff, right? So, why have I shamelessly ripped off portions of other people's songs - 4 to date?

First off, you could call it the vicarious living-out of my pipe dream of ever being able to express my feelings and thoughts half as well as any of these people in lyrical form. Secondly, why reinvent the wheel when someone else says what I'm feeling and thinking even better than I do?

The excerpt that follows is from a song that has become my personal theme over the past couple of years.

many reasons that hold you back
that tell you no
make you fall short of what you want to say
too many voices in my head
where's the boy who used to take chances
used to say when I grow up to be a man someday
true to my heart in every way
seems so simple why's it so hard
I'll never know

- Robert Lamm, The Love You Call Your Own

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Today's Other New Word - SURFEIT
from The American Heritage Dictionary, 2nd College Edition
v. To feed or supply to fullness or excess; satiate.

Because I didn't know what the heck surfeit meant.

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Today's New Word - CLOY
from The American Heritage Dictionary, 2nd College Edition
v. To supply with too much of someting, esp. with something too rich or sweet; surfeit.

Why should I be the only one who benefits by looking up new words I come across?

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I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be all right
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day
It reappears
Night after night
My heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Men at Work, Overkill

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did you ever really love somebody? did you ever really care?
did you ever need somebody, just to rub your hair
all the energy we spend on motion, all the curcuitry and time
is there any way to feel a body through fiber optic lines

Cassandra Wilson, Right Here, Right Now

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I tell you one lesson I learned
If you want to be something in life
You ain't gonna get it unless
You give a little bit of sacrifice
Ooohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry
You need a heart that's filled with music
If you use it you can fly
If you want to be high

The Roots feat. Nelly Furtado, Sacrifice

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Expanding Musical Tastes - Around Christmas, I purchased my very first hip hop album, Phrenology by The Roots. I hadn't heard of them (so I thought) until I heard a segment about the album on National Public Radio, and was intrigued. Now, those close to me would say I'm prone to "NPR Syndrome" which is similar to "British Syndrome."

"British Syndrome" (it has many names) is that phenomenon where various things that originate from Britain seem to gain instant status as something having at least a minimal degree of culture merely by having a British accent. These include, but aren't limited to music, film, and especially TV sit-coms and sci-fi, usually found in US Public Broadcasting Stations.

"NPR Syndrome" is similar -- things gaining status and approval by having some snooty commentary done on it on an NPR show. OK, granted I might not have otherwise bought their CD, but that's not necessarily a given. If I'd have heard of this group consisting of rappers and musicians whose lyrics might reference, but not be entirely about life on the street, I might have picked up the CD anyway. Plus, ore than a few artists associated with The Roots have collaborated on Macy Gray's albums, and I got into her music all by my lonesome.

In any case, I'm sure most of the people who knew me in college would have a heart attack if they knew what was in my CD collection now. Eh, what can you do?

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An Injustice Corrected (Sort Of) - With all the websites in the world dedicated to the most obscure and mundane topics, I've always thought it was strange that no one's ever made one about author Fran Lebowitz. I guess it's not really an injustice so much as an oddity. And while I mostly observe and mainly comment on oddities, occassionally I'll actually try my hand at doing something about it.

Hence, the Fran Lebowitz Mini-Tribute Site. Nothing particularly fancy or flashy; just a nod to one of my favorite authors. Hey, on the off-chance that one person actually picks up The Fran Lebowitz Reader and gets a chuckle, then it's really not time wasted, is it?

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So, you may actually be wondering, "You didn't actually start a blog out of mere laziness or just out of a desire to stick it to The Man, did you?" Actually, no. I'd stumbled across the occassional LiveJournal or DiaryLand entries. I had even heard an NPR segment on the whole blog phenomenon. But, I basically just forgot about the whole thing for about a year.

The casual observer can see that I'm certainly no stranger to posting my opinions. Among many inspirations were the rants of Bruce Campbell (yes, the Evil Dead guy) on his official website. So it really isn't too much of a stretch that the thing that brought blogging back to my mind was Bruce's latest freedom of expression, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor. I should email him a thank you -- he swears up and down he actually reads his email.

What's the connection? It's just an example of an average person engaging in the lost art of giving opinions based on abstract things like "reason," "experience," and "thought." He might be right or wrong about any given topic, but one thing (I don't think) you can accuse him of is simply spouting off at the mouth.

So what do I pledge? Political correctness and over-sensitivity? Not really -- I'm still too young for that. Plus some people really do still need their buttons pushed. A one-man crusade to "stick it to the man"? Nah, I'm too old for that, too -- Besides, I forgot most of the lyrics to the NWA classic F*** Tha Police anyway. Sure, I'll vent. There might even be other emotions involved at times. But thought will always be involved.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.
-Fran Lebowitz

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Not that I ever claimed to be any kind of genius, but apparently according to Blogger's extensive help logs, I'm not exactly the originator of the "stick your blogger in a frame on another page" idea. Eh, well.

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[Ed. note: those who stumble upon this blog through Blogger may be initially confused. I suggest clicking on "freedom" underneath the title, and all should become clear.]

What started as curiousity and experimentation with "blogs" ended in a fit of righteous anger. I liked the idea that one could in theory post a blog on a webpage one already maintains. However, there was one notable exception -- webpages on AOL (of course). Before you ask me, "Why not switch to...?" I'd say the top reason is laziness. But, a second reason was a drive to "beat the system." So, HAH, AOL! This blog will appear on my AOL website, after all (after a fashion).

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