Last Week's Reads

Dusting off, but not opening, choosing to go strictly by my fogged, hazy memories of Nick Hornby's playbook, I give you last week's reads.

When I was with the family over the Turkey Day holiday, E and I made the trip to Half-Price Books. There are a fair amount of used bookstores in Ithaca, some that really do re-sell books at half-off. But a lot of the prices at HPB are more than half-off, which is always nice on the wallet. Aside from an audiobook copy of Robert McKee's STORY, I picked up copies of Harlan Ellison's infamous anthologies DANGEROUS VISIONS and AGAIN, DANGEROUS VISIONS. I was actually going to pick up a trade paperback copy of the former, but E suggested I pick up the hardback version with "the swanky cover," so I figured I might as well pick up the second one, too.



Anyway, everything last week came from DANGEROUS VISIONS, which I've been reading pretty much in order so far, except for having temporarily skipped the novella "Riders of the Purple Wage" by Philip José Farmer. Thus...

• Lester del Rey, "Evensong"
• Robert Silverberg, "Flies"
• Frederik Pohl, "The Day After the Day the Martians Came"
• Miriam Allen deFord, "The Malley System"
• Robert Bloch, "A Toy for Juliette"
• Harlan Ellison, "The Prowler in the City at the Edge of the World"

I know a lot of humanist-types who'd really get a kick out of the story "Evensong," the plot of which could be interpreted as showing the ultimate expression of the human potential. The spiritually-minded, however, could interpret that same plot as a caution of the consequences of the same.

"Flies" is undoubtedly the best human-altered-by-aliens story I've ever read, bar none. The elements are pretty shocking for something written in the sixties (which was the point of the anthology). I won't even describe them; you'll have to read it to believe it. I'd almost describe it as a horror story, but no one in the tale is as horrified as the reader.

What if, as Pohl wrote in his story's afterward (each story except for one has a forward by Ellison and an afterward by the author), sci-fi really can make all men to think of each other as brothers, "at least in the face of a very large universe which is very likely to contain creatures who are not men at all"? Don't be fooled, though. "The Day After the Day the Martians Came" doesn't convey that message directly. Rather, it clearly and succinctly illustrates the ugliness of man's often negative reactions to "the other."

It was refreshing to see a 40 year-old story written by a female (Remember: these stories were written in the 60s. You think sci-fi's dominated by males now, consider 1967.) that, in a graphic and pointed way, dealt with the "softer" sciences. This is exactly the sort of story that found the resurgence expressed in THE HARD SCI-FI RENAISSANCE. It's my favorite story of the lot, so far.

"A Toy for Juliette" was written at Ellison's behest as a sequel to a story Bloch wrote in 1943 called "Yours Truly, Jack the Ripper." Ellison then responsed with a story that picked up where Bloch left off, "The Prolwer in the City..." which is a perfect example of the sort of "conversation" that today's writers like Link or Doctorow write about (pardon me for being too lazy to Google various examples).

PASSAGE OF THE WEEK:
I offer two, having failed to add one last time. First, in this week's reading...

The city was a complex artery, the people were the blood that flowed icily through the artery. They were a gestalt with one another, forming a unified whole. it was a city shining in permanence, eternal in concept, flinging itself up in a formed and molded statement of exaltation; most modern of all modern structures, conceived as the pluperfect residence for the perfect people. The final end-result of all sociological blueprints aimed at Utopia.

-Harlan Ellison, "The Prowler in the City at the Edge of the World"

Typically, I offer these snippets without comment, but in this case I just have to note that it's a description as succinctly written as that by Garc&iactute;a-Márquez in the opening of "Big Mama's Funeral," even if the styles are different. What I mean to say is, that same magic is there.

The second is from last week's "Guy de Maupassant" by Isaac Babel, his most popular quote, in context:

I began to speak of style, of the army of words, of the army in which all kinds of weapons may come into play. No iron can stab the heart with such force as a period put just at the right place. She listened with her head down and her painted lips half open. In her hair, pressed smooth, divided by a parting and looking like patent leather, shone a dark gleam. Her legs in tight-fitting stockings, with their strong soft calves, were planted wide apart on the carpet.

Next week: More from DANGEROUS VISIONS with maybe one or two other things mixed in.

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Miscellany

1
All of my electronics have now moved into the 21st century. I can backup my laptop five times over. And I can plug a total of 8 USB devices into it, including my video/mp3/FM radio player.

I don't know how I ever got by with that 128MB piece of crap player I had. This thing has been my saving grace in a crowded space with the family during Turkey Day, on bus rides with stressed out students from the Big Red School on the Hill, not to mention zoo-like grocery stores.

2
Nonfiction audiobooks...I'm now addicted.

3
There's a nearby group, apparently (I may have mentioned this before) who apparently work out at a local facility with sticks and wearing sarongs. My co-worker who works out there approached them and told them about someone who might be interested (namely me). They tried, it seemed, to put him off first, probably thinking I was someone from "Kim's Ninja School" at the mall or something. They lightened up a bit when he told them I was someone who had a bit of experience with what they were doing. Anyway, they were supposed to give my co-worker information to give me, but on the night they were going to do that, they blew him off.

Eh, screw it. I work with someone who knows this guy and who offered to put in a word for me. He's in Cortland, but that's not too, too far away.

4
This next week, I'm told, will absolutely suck at work. That's okay, though. Like I always say, that's why they call it work.

5
Steven Barnes already said it, so I don't have to...

I don’t know about Michael Richard’s actions, aside from doing something that has probably damaged his life and career. He may be an actual raving racist…but in my experience, most real racists are more careful with their speech. They believe they are walking in enemy territory, where the Jews run the media, using Blacks as footsoldiers. They don’t openly rant like that. Of course, maybe he’s just a STUPID racist. My mind is open to possibilities.

6
There is NOOOO...number 6.

7
They all laughed at me after Timothy Treadwell and they thought what happened to Steve Irwin was a mere accident. But I've said it before and I'll say it again--the animals are rising up!

Orca returns to S.D. tank after attack
By ALLISON HOFFMAN, Associated Press Writer Thu Nov 30, 6:36 PM ET

SAN DIEGO - Some days, killer whales just wake up on the wrong side of the pool. A 2 1/2-ton orca that dragged a trainer underwater during a show at SeaWorld may have been put out by a spat with another whale, grumpy because of the weather or just irritable from a stomach ache, according to marine mammal experts.

Or, maybe it's letting us know just how close the revolution is.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

I only lie for the sake of consistency. Anyway...

You are the Hanged Man

Self-sacrifice, Sacrifice, Devotion, Bound.

With the Hanged man there is often a sense of fatalism, waiting for something to happen. Or a fear of loss from a situation, rather than gain.

The Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.

The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. It signifies selflessness, sacrifice and prophecy. You make yourself vulnerable and in doing so, gain illumination. You see the world differently, with almost mystical insights.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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Last Week's Reads

You'll forgive me if my weekly copying/butchering of Nick Hornby's playbook is a little sparse this week with the holiday and all.

This year I'll spare all of you the sarcasm about the celebration of colonial White oppression. No rants on the great U.S. of A.'s foundations on the principles of rejected religious extremists. No, not even "Happy Thanksgiving--have a blanket!" jokes. Just last week's reads:

• Isaac Babel, "My First Goose"
  
• Orson Scott Card, "A Cross-Country Trip to Kill Richard Nixon"
  
• Carrie Richerson, "...With By Good Intentions"
  
• Isaac Babel, "Guy de Maupassant"
  

Two Book Sales ago, I got an old edition of Isaac Babel's COLLECTED STORIES. This was back when I got hooked on Raymond Carver, someone who worshipped Babel. It all seemed beyond me at first and it wasn't until I read Lessing's "Homage to Isaac Babel" last week that I had a context in which to finally open up one of Babel's story and actually get it. It's not for nothing that folks often quote "No iron can stab the heart with such force as a period put just at the right place." from Babel's "Guy de Maupassant."

Back on the skiffy/fantasy tip, I dug out another one from Card's MAPS IN A MIRROR anthology. Even a casual reader could look at the title "A Cross-Country Trip to Kill Richard Nixon" and dread the hundred-and-one different things that could go wrong with a story with that premise. Thing is that any problems the story had, IMO, didn't have much to do with the premise. Just things that seemed unlikely to me, even in a fantasy tale.

The one thing that "Nixon" and the story "...With By Good Intentions" from the Oct/Nov F&SF had in common were the simple plots and premises drawn into simple, crafted tales. One might debate whether they were good or bad--I liked them both. But I'll be damned if Card and Richerson made it look so damn easy it almost made me sick.

Next week: probably some stuff from Harlan Ellison's DANGEROUS VISIONS anthology.

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Movin' On Up

ITEM ONE
It's taken a couple of years, but The Wife and I seem to have achieved a semblance of financial stability. Of course, it has to happen right before the holidays. We're simultaneously overjoyed and dismayed to find ourselves in a new consumer bracket, one that includes small pieces of antique (but functional) furniture, home appliances, and consumer electronics. Namely, a MacBook Pro for her and a 250GB external drive for me.

We're still close enough to our previous austere life to feel apprehensive shelling out considerable sums of money for things other than utilities. But when you've been working with old and busted second hand computers for as long as she has, or when you've already suffered near-catastrophic data failure like I have, all of a sudden these things really do start looking like investments, especially when our dreams and goals basically revolve around producing things as efficiently as possible. In the 21st century, you just can't do that with crap.

It's just a wierd feeling, is all.

ITEM TWO
Because, I'm just not used to being able to buy enough storage to backup my laptop six times over and be able to pick up a couple of cool CDs at the same time.

powered by frazy.com

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Last Week's Reads

Shamelessly copying from Nick Hornby's playbook, and doing a botched job at that, I give you last week's reads:

• Carol Emshwiller, "Killers"
  
• Joyce Carol Oates, "Thanksgiving"
  
• Harlan Ellison, "The Few, the Proud"
  
• Jonathan Lethem, "Access Fantasy"
  
• Doris Lessing, "Outside the Ministry"
  
• Doris Lessing, "Homage for Isaac Babel"
  

I loved "Killers" from the Oct/Nov issue of F&SF. After reading it, though, I have a better understanding of the arguments of those who bemoan the fact that some stories that make their way into the mags nowadays don't have clear fantasy/sci-fi elements. You had to read between the lines of "Killer" to make out what those elements are and they're vague enough that you might be mistaken. My personal feeling is that it takes skill to do that, but that's just me.

It was the same with "Thanksgiving" by Joyce Carol Oates. I didn't plan to read it because of the upcoming holiday. It really was the next one on tap from her collection HAUNTED: TALES OF THE GROTESQUE. And it so happened that this was another story of some kind of possibly post-apocalyptic world featuring characters with all sorts of fears that seem reasonable to them, but go unexplained to us.

Needed something "manly," I read some Ellison. But I had no way of knowing what "The Few, the Proud" was about until I started reading. Sure, I guess some right-wing nut could label this story as anti-military propaganda, but the events in the tale are the sorts of things one intuits as having a ring of truth about them.

One thing I've learned about Jonathan Lethem's stories is that, IMO, you can't worry about the plot holes or you'll miss the payoff. This story is a perfect example of that. Most folks would go "WTF?" if I just tried to simply outline the plot. But then they'd end up missing the point of the protagonist's predicament, not to mention Lethem's opinions about the direction of society.

I was fed up with the Doris Lessing story I had been reading, but because I've continued to promise to read one, I went through her collection STORIES to pick out a shorter story. I read two short ones instead, the four-page "Homage for Isaac Babel" and "Outside the Ministry" which came after it. I didn't much care for the latter, between the confusing political intrigue and the fact that the story consisted of four men talking over the course of a half-hour. But the story gave me a valuable lesson on time when contrasted with "Homage," which was half the length, yet took place over the course of a week.

PASSAGE OF THE WEEK
No explanation, no context. Just the writing that grabbed me.

...and so they went down below the Undermall to the underground corridors, long echoey halls of tile, not so glamorous as upstairs, not nice at all really, the lengths apartment people went never to have to step out onto the street and see car people being really appalling sometimes.

Jonathan Lethem, "Access Fantasy"

Next week: I need me some Card and some Link, I think. And maybe something from out there on the world wide internets.

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Fan Mail

Hot damn, who'da thunk? This was forwarded to me from the offices of AMERICAN NERD.

I enjoyed your article in defense of 80s Chicago. I could have written it myself. I'm almost done with a doctorate in music composition (all but dissertation) and I've always appreciated all eras of Chicago, early, eighties, and even recent. I think the misunderstanding about the "jazz-rock band that sold out" meme is that they were never devoted to the "jazz-rock" hybridization like Blood, Sweat and Tears or 70s fusion bands in the first place.

To me, they're a "craft band." Every song they record is an expression of musical craft. There is as much craft in "Ballet for a Girl in Buchannon" as there is in "If You Leave Me Now," and, as you point out, "Hard Habit to Break." The fact that they shifted idioms from jazz to pop rock in order to express their musical craftsmanship
is only secondary.

Bravo on a well-written and pointed article about a misunderstood and vastly underappreciated band.

Robert [redacted]

This was a brand-new experience. I'm simultaneously thrilled and apprehensive. For where there's fan mail, hate mail is always a possibility.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

I never claimed to be Honest Abe.

You Are A Little Honest

Sometimes you do the right thing, but not often You prefer to look out for yourself most of the time But sometimes honesty does get the better of you Here's hoping you answered this quiz honestly

How Honest Are You?

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Last Week's Reads

Once again, bastardizing Nick Hornby's playbook, I give you the stuff I read last week

• John Cheever, "The Enormous Radio"
  
• Joyce Carol Oates, "Poor Bibi"
  
• Cory Doctorow, "Return to Pleasure Island"
  
• Alison Lurie, "Counting Sheep"
  
• Kelly Link, "Some Zombie Contingency Plans"
  

I know what I said and I have been reading some Doris Lessing this week. I just couldn't git 'r' done, unfortunately.

I was off to a good start with Cheever's "The Enormous Radio," the first of his work that I've read (at least I can't recall if I have before). "Chekhov of the suburbs" is right. I picked it because it's referred to in a few places as an example of magical realism. It's not García-Márquez (it's not meant to be) but it does use those elements to deliver an uncomfortable truth or two.

If two weeks ago, I had the experience of finding the story I now love the most, then this week I found the story I loathe. Hey, not every story will click with folks. I know this and Alison Lurie and Joyce Carol Oates certainly understand this. "Counting Sheep" was solid, and ironically, is the story that has my Passage of the Week. But when I got to the end, I found myself asking, "Are you serious?" That's not the story I loathe, though. By the end of "Poor Bibi," I felt that I just got my chain jerked. It was a case of when you think you've figured out the ending of a story and you're given clues to indicate that you're probably wrong, but then you find out you were right all along.

I'm not 100% sure what "Pleasure Island" was about. Oh, I understood the plot (I think). And, I definitely like the way Doctorow seamlessly wove in disparate, unexplained sci-fi and fantasy elements into his story. Seriously, if I tried listing these elements separately, you'd think it was something he bogarted from Timothy Leary. But I can't say I got it on the first read. I'm not exactly sure when I'll get around to giving it a second one.

Kelly Link, as always, didn't let me down. There's nothing I can say about this story that I haven't said about her writing in general, already. Yet again, I was left with the feeling of "Why the fcuk do I bother?" One thing I will say about "Some Zombie Contingency Plans" is that the shoe that finally drops isn't necessarily the one you're expecting and I loved the way she pulled it off.

PASSAGE OF THE WEEK:

Whenever you tried to go for a walk or a picnic in the Lake District, the sheep had always got there first. Anywhere you might want to sit down, the turf had been churned by their muddy hooves and littered with their droppings, like greasy brown bunches of grapes.

-Alison Lurie, "Counting Sheep"

Next week: that freaking Lessing story already. Probably some Ellison, too.

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Threes

Ed Bradley's passing was sad. Hearing about Jack Palance was sad, too; this was a piece of my childhood gone this time (If I saw THE EXORCIST at 8, you don't think I would've seen SHANE?). But, now Gerald?? "Casanova" pretty much defined my love life in the late 80s.

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Enough Putzing

Have you voted yet? Go on, go. I'll wait.

Last week was the work week from hell (So far it's better this week, thanks for asking) that started off badly when I got some bad news from the Old Neighborhood. Yeah, that whole youthful I'm Gonna Live Forever vibe? Gone. Oh, it'd been slowly wearing away anyhow, what with drinking herbal tea, listening to Satanic smooth jazz, and bitching about local tax rates. Let's just say that when someone your own age passes away, someone with more to live for than I do (and I've got a LOT), it definitely puts things into perspective. Which is why, during what is hopefully my first in a long line of annual physical exams, I got the sort of exam that they say guys in their thirties need to start having. Not to mention getting a cholesterol test. I shudder at the possible results. What can I say, I'm from Cleveland, Land of perogis and smoked meats.

So, last weekend I caved and went to a local NaNoWriMo meetup and started something that I eventually titled EXPERIMENTAL PHASES. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to keep going with it, though. My Writer side (the side that's the antithesis of everything NaNoWriMo stands for) has been pestering me with, "You've got two shorts to finish and one you haven't submitted yet! Get to it, NOW!" I got the submission in. But, instead of finishing the shorts, I'm blogging before work. Hey, baby steps, right?

Anyway, I've got my plans, I've got my time mapped out and...oh geez, 10 minutes before work, apparently.

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Last Week's Reads

Again, borrowing--then crossing out lines with a black Sharpie, writing notes on the side, and adding my own rules to--Nick Hornby's playbook, I give you what I read last week.

• Sarah Zettel, "Kinds of Strangers"
  
• Jonathan Lethem, "The Dystopianist, Thinking of His Rival, Is Interrupted by a Knock on the Door"
  
• Harlan Ellison, "Chatting With Anubis"
  
• Neil Gaiman, "The Daughter of Owls"
  
• Neil Gaiman "Shoggoth's Old Peculiar"
  
• Gabriel García-Márquez, "Big Mama's Funeral"
  
• Orson Scott Card, "Unaccompanied Sonata"

I hadn't heard of Sarah Zettel except through my copy of THE HARD SCI-FI RENAISSANCE. Her story was a solid example of everything that compilation stands for. It's a straightforward genre plot about a ship in deep space but the emphasis isn't so much on the science of space travel as much as the science of psychology.

"The Dystopianist" is your typical Lethem fare (that's not an insult, btw). It's a simple well-written story with one theme being, basically, about self-examination.

I got two Gaiman stories in because they were short and followed one another. I'd call "The Daughter of Owls" pleasantly grisly (Note to self: I think there's a comic adaptation of this around somewhere that I should check out). "Shoggoth's Old Peculiar," yes, refers to that Shoggoth and is set in Innsmouth. Truth be told, they were written as well as Gaiman's usual, but the stories were...well, okay.

Ellison's "Chatting With Anubis" and Card's "Unaccompanied Sonata" had some pretty straightforward plots as well. In them, the protagonists go through some pretty profound changes and not necessarily for the better. True, most like stories where a hero acts heroic and wins big. Some like the hero to lose, but still be a hero; more people can identify with a hero like that. But stories where the hero loses himself? Those stories, stories like these, can be a little harder for some people to stomach.

The story that blew me away was "Big Mama's Funeral." This is now, hands down, my favorite short story. The mechanics are nearly flawless and the language (at least insofar as the translation) is beautiful. García-Márquez's attitude toward the subject matter, i.e. his truth, isn't readily apparent until near the end, though reading it makes the last line of my choice for Passage of the Week more relevant.

PASSAGE OF THE WEEK

Now that the nation, which was shaken to its vitals, has recovered its balance; now that the bagpipers of San Jacinto, the smugglers of Guajira, the rice planters of Sinú, the prostitutes of Caucamayal, the wizards of Sierpe, the banana workers of Aracataca have folded up their tents to recover from the exhausting vigil and have regained their serenity, and the President of the Republic and his Ministers and all those who represented the public and supernatural powers on the most magnificent funeral occasion recorded in the annals of history have regained control of their estates; now that the Holy Pontiff has risen up to Heaven in body and soul; and now that it is impossible to walk around in Macondo because of the empty bottles, the cigarette butts, the gnawed bones, the cans and rags and excrement that the crowd which came to the burial left behind; now is the time to lean a stool against the front door and relate from the beginning the details of this national commotion, before the historians have a chance to get at it.

Gabriel García-Márquez, "Big Mama's Funeral"

This was only one of about five that I could've chosen. I still get shivers.

Next time: Maybe some of that Doris Lessing I promised last time and possibly a comment or two about Satrapi's PERSEPOLIS, should I decide to include comics in my weekly reading list.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

See? That's twice in a row, so it's weekly again. (Well, at least for now.)

You know, I put my counseling/mental health books away a long time ago, but from what I remember, these results don't seem right. Then again, a cold-reading from a psychic hotline often produces better results than one of these online things.

Maslow Inventory Results

Physiological Needs (34%) you appear to have everything you need to survive physically. Safety Needs (44%) you appear to have an adequately secure environment. Love Needs (50%) you appear to be semi-content with the quality of your social connections. Esteem Needs (50%) you appear to have a medium level of skill competence. Self-Actualization (60%) you appear to have an average level of individual development.

Take Free Maslow Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

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Last Week's Reads

Writer Steven Barnes suggests that that you should read ten times as much as you write. Given that I should be writing every day and that I average about 2 pages (approximately 500 words) per day, and guestimating that the average short story is about 5,000 words, I've made it my business to read one piece of short fiction per day. (Non-fic doesn't count but I wonder if I should include comics.) Anyway, I've managed to do this every day for the past two weeks, religiously. What, you think I just buy all these books and never crack them open?

So, to put my money where my mouth is and make myself publically accountable, I'm modifying a page out of Nick Hornby's playbook and giving you Last Week's Reads:

• Orson Scott Card, "In the Doghouse"
  
• Gabriel García-Márquez, "Artificial Roses"
  
• Alison Lurie, "The Highboy"
  
• Swapna Kishore, "Reclaiming Lucy"
  
• Kelly Link, "Stone Animals"
  
• Harlan Ellison, "The Lingering Scent of Woodsmoke"
  
• Harlan Ellison, "Go Into the Light"

Three of these stories, "Doghouse," "The Highboy," and "Go Into the Light" had plots that I believed were predictable. Actually, they were in the sense that I was able to predict the general outcome of the plot. But these writers had to know I would, so they wrote in a such a way as to me care more about the journey than the destination. But, it's a tricky business, that. Knowing where the plot was going almost turned me off each time. This is where name recognition comes in handy, though. I mean, it's Card and Ellison, for pete's sake. I might not have liked the story by the time I got to the end, but I was confident it wouldn't suck in any case being who they were, so I stuck with them.

Lurie's story I liked least of the three, but I think that's partly because the collection it's from, WOMEN AND GHOSTS (at least the edition I have) is made to look like some sort of horror thing, but it isn't. It can't be, when some of the stories had previously appeared in VOGUE, REDBOOK, and HARPER'S BAZAAR. But even for what it was, "The Highboy" was IMO a good example of what Orson Scott Card calls "the millieu story" and it made clearer to me something about the sort of changes a protagonist in a story can go through--but that's a rant for another time.

I read "Reclaiming Lucy"--a very nice, straightforward short horror piece--because I keep running into the author's name as I pore through various online mags looking for new markets. The quality of her writing (at least the two or three stories I've read so far) seems to have a consistency that I'm trying to develop. I really need to go back through and put all of the links to her stories into del.icio.us.

Link's "Stone Animals" gave me my passage of the week (see below). She can be an acquired taste, I've heard, and I can see why (although I knew I loved her stuff the moment I first read STRANGER THINGS HAPPEN). Most of her stories have a plot, no doubt. It might not be completely understandable, and it resists examination from a "big picture" point of view, but it's there. But to examine a story for the plot misses the point of some of her stuff. Her writing is beautiful. Clever, but not for its own sake. It follows, to use Alice Sebold's term in her review, dream-logic. Like a dream, Link's words make perfect sense in the moment, as you read them.

Yes, I liked Link's story this week better than "Artificial Roses" by the original master of the ethereal story. That's not to say that García-Márquez didn't blow me away, as usual. The further I get into his COLLECTED STORIES (and this could be for 101 different reasons), the more I'm able to get his stories. Granted, I'm reading translations but if they're at all accurate, then I'd say his stories are as dream-like as Link's--except his dreams are more vivid. His stories are the dreams you have that make you swear you're 100% awake.

PASSAGE OF THE WEEK
No explanation, no context. This is just the writing that stuck out to me this week.

She said, "If you don't like it, then I'll keep it. Look at you, look at those sleeves. You look like the emperor of Japan."

They had already colonized the bedroom, making it full of things that belonged to them.
-Kelly Link, "Stone Animals"

Next week: a whole new crop of stories, most likely some Jonathan Lethem and maybe some Doris Lessing.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

Ganked from somewhere, partially in honor of the Very Short Stories--six-word pieces from some top sci-fi authors--that ran in WIRED, I give you the Two-Word Meme, where each of the questions below is answered with two words.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? Partial meltdown.
2. When was the last time you shaved? Monday morning.
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Soundly sleeping.
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Starting this.
5. Are you any good at math? Sort of.
6. Your prom night? Which one?
7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Infamous, maybe.
8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Of course.
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? No song.
10. Last thing received in the mail? Action bills.
11. How many different beverages have you had today? Both caffeinated.
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? On occasion.
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Depeche Mode.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Hardly go.
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? Some drillin'.
16. What is out your back door? The patio.
17. Any plans for Friday night? Staying quiet.
18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? Never cared.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? One time.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Long ago.
21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? Too often.
22. Some things you are excited about? Having written.
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? NyQuil Green ;).
24. Describe your keychain(s)? Too heavy.
25. Where do you keep your change? My pocket.
26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? Office party.
27. What kind of winter coat do you own? Gray wool.
28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? Don't remember.
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Slightly ajar.

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Calling to Me

No, I haven't decided to, yet. Haven't decided not to either, though I did swear it off last year. There are so many damn reasons not to, not the least of which is the need to write more stuff that'll sell.

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Because There's Not Enough To Do

Not.

I got this stuff (and these are just the fiction books) last week at the Tompkins Country Friends of the Library Book Sale (N.B. I couldn't include Alison Lurie's WOMEN AND GHOSTS in the layout, here). I still hadn't gone through the backlog of last spring's books.

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So, I've decided that the only way I'm going to get through them all is a pre-planned rotation. Don't forget that I've still got these in the mix as well (including HAUNTED: TALES OF THE GROTESQUE by Joyce Carol Oates).

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Okay, I'm cheating--two of the books up in that last set were new. But the point is, the plan is one story per day, which is completely doable, and actually has been for the past 7 days.

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Fancy Colours

(Make one)

But at least I'm not contagious.

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Bring Out Your Dead

(Make one)

Ah, the joys of working in university health care.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

My Life: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

• Opening Credits: Chicago, "Aire"
  
• Waking Up: Air, "Ce Matin La"
  
• Average Day: Doobie Brothers, "Takin' It To the Streets"
  
• Falling In Love: Helen Merril, "'S Wonderful"
  
• Love Scene: Casandra Wilson, "Poet"
  
• Death of a Loved One: Queen, "Who Wants to Live Forever"
  
• Bad Love: Michael McDonald, "I Keep Forgettin' (Every Time You're Near)"
  
• Sad Love: Doobie Brothers, "What a Fool Believes"
  
• Break Up: Jimmy Ruffin, "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted"
  
• Reunion: Chris Botti feat. Jonatha Brooke, "Forgiven"
  
• Fight Scene: The Roots, "Thought@Work"
  
• After the Fight: The Geto Boys, "Damn, It Feels Good To Be a Gangster"
  
• Adultery: Squeeze, "Tempted"
  
• Guilt: Chicago, "Sonny Think Twice"
  
• Bad Day: Black Crowes, "Thorn in My Pride"
  
• But Life's Okay: Sons of Champlin, "Misery Isn't Free"
  
• Deep In Thought: Don Henley, "The Heart of the Matter"
  
• Secret Love: Atlantic Starr, "Secret Lovers"
  
• Party: Sheila E, "The Glamorous Life"
  
• Dance Scene: Yvonne Elliman, "If I Can't Have You"
  
• Crying Scene: Peter Cetera, "No Explanation"
  
• Breakdown: Cousteau, "The Last Good Day of the Year"
  
• Driving: Styx, "Fooling Yourself (Angry Young Man)"
  
• Flashback: Night Ranger, "When You Close Your Eyes"
  
• Regret: Flaming Lips, "Fight Test"
  
• Long Night All Alone: Cat Stevens, "Wild World"
  
• Death Scene: Eric Clapton, "Layla (piano exit)"
  
• End Credits: Johnny Cash, "The Man Comes Around"

Well, sort of weekly. Look, stop...stop yelling at me. I'm ill, leave me alone!

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How About That?

If sitting in with a jazz quartet for $10 and the two times I got paid union rates for a couple of trumpet gigs technically made me a professional musician, then I guess I'm now, technically, a professional writer. I got word last night that a webzine wanted to buy one of my stories. It came on the heels of another rejection, so needless to say I feel pretty good.

I'll put the link up when it's up, which should be sometime next month. That's when I'll send the inevitable mass email rather than making it a "Bandwidth Conservation Post."

For those keeping score, that's:

1 sale
4 in circulation
3 withdrawn

Okay, actually that was more for me to see where I stood.

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Unfocused, Still

I've been posting today from the coffee shop that I once believed could serve as my home away from home the way this place used to. It's not quite there. I've finally had to accept the fact that, as counter-intuitive as it would seem moving to I-town, there just isn't a place where I could work like I did in A-town.

It's times like these, like at any other "job," where there's nothing else for it but to just get to fcuking work, unfocused or not.

I did get one thing accomplished. I subbed another tale to the place that just rejected me. That's something, right? One thing. One thing I can point to that, even if I end up jerking off for the rest of the day, I can say I got done.

Please, no comments about how ostensibly hard I'm being on myself. This isn't about being hard on myself or a potential cautionary tale about work/life balance. This is about one of those many instances where the rubber needs to meet the road in order to do what you set out to do.

Because, as the gentleman on the left says, What you're supposed to do is act like a fucking professional.

I think I need to get some reading done. I suspect that's been part of my problem lately: not enough creative input to fuel the creative output.

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New Books

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I've finally taken the amazon.com plunge and discovered its crack-like ease of addiction. I guess there goes my devotion to local book stores(?). Anyway, it enabled my financially-challenged @ss to get two writing books that are worth a good 75% of the writing books I have so far.

Ursula K. LeGuin's STEERING THE CRAFT is a series of ten exercises on the writing craft that can be done alone or in a group. It's a book that I can always go back to (and have at the local library several times) whenever I feel like I just don't have siht.

I have no real interest in writing plays (at least for now), but when I borrowed TO BE A PLAYWRIGHT by Janet Neipris and saw some of the general writing advice she had, it was too good not to eventually buy. I can see why a lot of writers (especially comic book writers, believe it or not) are influenced by playwrights.

Go ahead, discover how easy it is, if you haven't already. You can start with my wishlist icon over to the right. You know you want to.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

"Yeah, weekly--whatever," I hear you say. I don't blame you. But, here's something. Via DISContent, among other places, I give you...

My Top 25 TV Characters

The rules are:

• No puppets or cartoons, otherwise Kermit and Homer would definitely be on this list.
  
• No mini-series, otherwise I'd definitely include Philip Marlow from THE SINGING DETECTIVE.
  
• No reality show people, otherwise Matt Kennedy Gould from THE JOE SCHMO SHOW would be on here.
  
• All characters must be regulars on the show.

Okay, so here we go.

The Doctor, DOCTOR WHO - Even before Travis Bickle, here was a character who brooks absolutely no crap from anyone, in all of space and time!

Kwai-Chang Caine, KUNG FU - Too bad we no longer live like in the Old West where one could just wander the earth with no identification, mind your own business, and kick the crap out of anyone who tried to screw with you. Yeah, you better believe that no one tried to make him build a railroad, either. He'd have shoved his foot up their white...but, I digress.

Archie Bunker, ALL IN THE FAMILY - See, if only all small-minded bigots were like him. In fact, most of the small-minded bigots I ever knew were just like him. They'd more or less keep it at home, toss out a few of their outdated views over dinner with their inner circle, and then could at least treat my minority ass with a modicum of politeness even when they let something slip that they maybe shouldn't.

George Jefferson, THE JEFFERSONS - See "Archie Bunker," except add cash!

Kerr Avon, BLAKE'S 7 - "Underneath that cold exterior beats a heart of pure stone," says one of his crewmates on the battlecruiser Liberator. Even if you don't buy the political allegories of B7 or even just don't like it because it's a cheap British 70s sci-fi show, the show does manage (unintentionally) to chronicle one man's slow decent into paranoia and psychosis.

Gareth Blackstock, CHEF - I'd love to be enough of an expert on something to be able to heap mounds of verbal abuse on people, and just have them take it because they want to be around you and learn your stuff.

Cmdr. John Koenig, SPACE: 1999 - As the episode "The Exiles" shows, Koenig has no compunctions about kicking a btich out the airlock (literally!) to save his command.

Capt. Benjamin Sisko, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE - His character was definitely no throwback to Captain Kirk, but he was no wussified "diplomat" captain on a luxury liner, either.

Det. Lennie Brisco, LAW & ORDER - I'd love the ability to be at a gruesome crime scene and make snarky remarks about the victims.

EDA Benjamin Stone, LAW & ORDER - He's a model on how to professionally display utter contempt for someone, like the scum he questions on the witness stand.

EDA Jack McCoy, LAW & ORDER - I love watching his self-righteousness override any sense of compassion. He doesn't care, he doesn't give a fcuk, and he just doesn't wanna hear whatever you have to say that would get in the way of how he prosecutes a case.

Det. Robert Goren, LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT - Those mannerisms are just too fun. Creepy, but fun, especially the way he always bends over to one side when he's interrogating a suspect. Plus, what kind of cop carries around a leather portfolio? I always think he looks like an insurance salesman with that thing.

ADA Ron Carver, LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT - He may be quiet and soft-spoken, but he's basically Shaft with a law degree.

Col. Eli McNulty, E-RING - I dunno, I just like the way Dennis Hopper would say one of two lines almost every episode: Either, "Let's go get those sons of btiches!" or "Let's bring our boys home!"

Richard Fish, ALLY MCBEAL - Because I respect any man who can declare: New firm policy, listen up! Anybody who sues this firm or me, personally, we all drop whatever cases we are working on. We devote all of our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life. Are we clear? I don't want to stop short with just getting even. Retribution is not strong enough. Ruin, that is the goal. Irreversible, irreptutable, irrational ruin! New firm policy!

Remington Steele, REMINGTON STEELE - Because he taught me what a metrosexual was before there was even a word for it.

Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, ARE YOU BEING SERVED - The quintessential stereotypical gay man...or is he? Maybe he's unisex?

Henry MacNeil, GOOD VS. EVIL - He's a proud Brother with a 'fro and an orange Volvo, kicking Morlock ass, and saving souls with weapons soaked in the blood of an innocent.

Dave Lister, RED DWARF - What do you do when you're the last human being alive stuck 3,000,000 years in the future? You tough it out and make the best of it, that's what. You learn and you grow, but basically stay the same sort of person.

Spock, STAR TREK - Yes, he's all kinds of cool. But we share something. We're both more comfortable with being the second-in-command, taking charge once in awhile when we have to, than the head honcho.

MacGyver, MACGYVER - Proof that a Swiss Army knife and some duct tape can make you all kinds of cool, even when you're rocking a mullet.

René Artois, 'ALLO 'ALLO - All he wants to do is run his cafe and keep his affairs with his two waitresses secret from each other and his wife. He manages it, even though he's got Nazi's on one side, the French Resistance on the other, and downed British airmen in the cellar. See, that's called poise.

Quark, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE - Yes, a greedy, manipulative criminal from an alien race devoted solely to the making of profit. But, he's also the sort who would sell food to oppressed aliens at cost which makes him, in terms of cultural relativism, kind.

Denny Crane, BOSTON LEGAL - You can't tell me that this guy isn't cooler than Captain Kirk. I love whack-job characters who can get away with things like brandishing a loaded rifle in a courtroom in Boston, Mass.

Donald Ulysses MacDonald, MONARCH OF THE GLEN - See "Denny Crane," except replace Captain Kirk with Doctor Who.

Is this 25? I didn't even count, to be honest.

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Brain Dump

I've been feeling very ADD lately and I've got too much stuff in my brain, so today I'm just going to dump it all out as I go about my business so I can get some fcuking work done!

And yeah, I turned the comments off. You know why?? Well, no reason really. Just felt like it.

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Oregon: A Place to Retire?

(Via one of the many mailing lists I have to sort through)

Police: Nurse, 51, kills intruder with bare hands

PORTLAND, Oregon (AP) -- A nurse returning from work discovered an intruder armed with a hammer in her home and strangled him with her bare hands, police said.

Susan Kuhnhausen, 51, ran to a neighbor's house after the confrontation Wednesday night. Police found the body of Edward Dalton Haffey 59, a convicted felon with a long police record....

Under Oregon law people can use reasonable deadly force when defending themselves against an intruder or burglar in their homes. Kuhnhausen was treated and released for minor injuries at Providence.

Haffey, about 5-foot-9 and 180 pounds, had convictions including conspiracy to commit aggravated murder, robbery, drug charges and possession of burglary tools. Neighbors said Kuhnhausen's size -- 5-foot-7 and 260 pounds -- may have given her an advantage.

So, the next time comedian Mo'Nique says to show a big girl some respect, you better listen. Or, it could mean your @ss.

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Be Careful What You Say

This article seemed to acknowledge all the caveats with the experiment. That doesn't stop the implications from beng disturbing.

'Vegetative' Woman's Brain Shows Surprising Activity

By Rob Stein
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, September 8, 2006; Page A01

According to all the tests, the young woman was deep in a "vegetative state" -- completely unresponsive and unaware of her surroundings. But then a team of scientists decided to do an unprecedented experiment, employing sophisticated technology to try to peer behind the veil of her brain injury for any signs of conscious awareness.

Without any hint that she might have a sense of what was happening, the researchers put the woman in a scanner that detects brain activity and told her that in a few minutes they would say the word "tennis," signaling her to imagine she was serving, volleying and chasing down balls. When they did, the neurologists were shocked to see her brain "light up" exactly as an uninjured person's would. It happened again and again. And the doctors got the same result when they repeatedly cued her to picture herself wandering, room to room, through her own home.

Whatever this does to the quality-of-life debate, whichever side proves more capable of co-opting this research to their argument's advantage, imagine the possibility of knowing, scientifically, that the person you're talking around and about is more than likely listening to and processing what you're saying.

Maybe it's time to take a second look at that living will. Most (but not all) people I've ever talked with generate one on the premise that they'll be an utter vegetable, unable to even know what's going on around them. But what if we're not?

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My Weekly Rejection Letter*

*Okay, not really. This would imply that I'm submitting at a rate that would get me a weekly rejection, which I'm not--yet.

After a scathing but fair critique of my latest submission, the silver lining read:

As noted above, the quality of your prose is quite good and we
appreciate the fact you sent this story our way.

Of course, it's another plus that the mag bothered to critique it at all. So, what to send next...

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Another One Bites Is Bitten By the Dust

Okay, everyone knew Timothy Treadwell was bound to get it eventually. And, you could say this was only a matter of time as well.

'Crocodile hunter' killed by stingray

Roger Maynard in Sydney
Monday September 4, 2006
The Guardian

Steve Irwin, the passionate conservationist who shot to international fame as the Crocodile Hunter, was killed today in a freak accident while diving off the north Queensland coast.

In a bitter irony, the man who risked his life handling one of the world's most dangerous reptiles was mortally wounded by a stingray, a usually passive sea creature which attacks only if threatened. Irwin, 44, was stung in the chest by the stingray's barbed tail, which whips up in a reflex action. The accident happened while he was filming a TV documentary called Oceans' Deadliest at Batt Reef, near Port Douglas.

Personally, I think the animals are rising up.

Crikey!

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So To You, This Is Just a Good Time

...but for me, this is what I call life, as the song goes.

Apologies in advance to those whose RSS readers I'm about to break.

1
I submitted a story to an online magazine that I usually get an average response time (read: rejected) of a month. This time around, they've held it for almost three. So I email the mag, thinking that they've rejected it and their message got caught in my spam filter, seeing as they've published the issue that I submitted the story for during their last reading period. Turns out, the tell me that they're "still considering it." I think I'll chalk this one up as the first non-rejection letter I've received, eh?

2
Currently reading:
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THE YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR has Chuck Palahniuk's "Guts," but that's not the reason I got it. I noticed in the table of contents a very short story by Joyce Carol Oates called "Stripping" which was included as an example of her darker fiction. I'm ashamed to say that I really didn't know she did "darker fiction."

Kelly Link's MAGIC FOR BEGINNERS was just released on paperback, so I just had to have it. I don't know why I continue to torture myself by reading her stuff. Talk about total discouragement. I read her stuff and ask myself, "Why do I even bother?"

I've been neglecting my own advice and been leafing through RUN WITH THE HUNTED: A CHARLES BUKOWSKI READER. From the parts that I've read, the editor John Martin seems to have carefully selected certain material in a way similar to the way zoos are designed to keep the patrons at a safe distance from the more vicious animals. Maybe I'll actually pick this one up soon to innoculate myself because I'm finding myself wanting to read more and more of his prose.

3
Currently Listening:
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Relative newcomer Christian Scott and his band blend their artistry into something accessible in REWIND THAT. In other words, it's not always about "swing" but rather "the groove," whether they're dealing with swing, R&B, or even rock grooves (see also most stuff by Lonnie Plaxico or Jacky Terrasson).

BROWNIE: THE COMPLETE EMARCY RECORDINGS OF CLIFFORD BROWN is literally a jazz master-class in a box, complete with false starts and alternate versions of songs and solos. This may sound pretentious, but that statement alone should separate those who would truly appreciate it from those who might have a casual interest but not want to invest in a 10-CD box.

There's no way I could turn my nose up at Toto's FALLING IN BETWEEN if I actually shelled out cash for CHICAGO XXX. And, not just because of the James Pankow horn arrangements, either. It's great music. Trouble is, you could level the same criticism (though some would call it praise) on Toto. One could say that someone cryogenically froze Toto back in 1989 and revived them in the studio to record this album.

4
I'm still getting adjusted to my new fall schedule at The Big Red School on the Hill. I come in later, but then I'm the last one to leave to close the Joint. There's potential in this schedule except for two things: (a) My bad nocturnal habits are creeping back in. Since last Thursday, I've gotten less than 8 hours of sleep a night, which is a long string since I've started this new sleep hygeine thing. (b) There's no longer any real time for dinner between the end of my day and any evening physical activity (in this case, yoga).

5
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I've managed to introduce The Wife to two more BBC gems that she'll enjoys, CHEF! and MONARCH OF THE GLEN. I haven't seen CHEF! in quite a few years. It's main character has all the traits I admire: arrogance, bile, the ability to hurl carefully-chosen insults, and a heart (even if he won't admit it).

MONARCH OF THE GLEN, I swear, is almost the BBC Scotland version of NORTHERN EXPOSURE, not necessarily being wacky and zany, but because of its cast of eccentric characters. Not to mention the big stag featured at the end of the opening credits, in lieu of a moose.

6
There is no...number six.

7
Now...to the grind.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

Okay, okay, bi-weekly. Shut up.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

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Blog Neglect

If blogs had social workers, this one would've been forcibly removed from me. Here's my attempt at making amends.

1
Let's see, the sleep thing is going well. I should be in bed now but the heat wave makes that difficult. They say the ideal sleeping temperature is around 65° F. Unfortunately, icicles start forming on The Wife's nose at that temperature. But hot is hot and it's just been plain ridiculous.

2
The playlist on my mp3 player has songs from the following albums. Hey, screw you--I can't help it if they get me and keep me in the mood to write.

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It might have to do with the fact that these albums share a lot of the same musicians. People tend to forget that the members of Toto were and still are the best studio musicians around.

3
The Big Red School on the Hill finally fixed their errors on my health insurance coverage. I--that is, The Wife and I--finally have the correct health, dental, and eye coverage that I signed up for. Everything's credited, paid, and backdated. Still, after all that, I hope we don't have to really use any of it...except for a dentist. It's been too long since I've been to one.

4
Sorry, but this has just been on my mind, lately.

When you get caught
Between the moon and New York City
I know it's crazy but it's true
If you get caught
Between the moon and New York City
Best that you can do
Best that you can do
Is fall in love
-Christopher Cross, "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)"

5
Somewhere, I think I've raved about Charles Bukowski's BURNING IN WATER, DROWNING IN FLAME. I also think I've mentioned the fact that a friend, when he heard I was reading that, said to me, "I read some Bukowski once. I decided I just wasn't mentally healthy enough to handle it." Well, sure, the poetry isn't exactly uplifting Maya Angelou stuff and he makes Raymond Carver seem like he's on anti-depressants by comparison.

But then I leafed through a short story collection of Buk's called TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS (which is actually half of a collection, no longer published in its entirety, titled ERECTIONS, EJACULATIONS, EXHIBITIONS AND TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS--Hm, I wonder why?). My impulse was to buy it, but something told me "No, sit down and read some of it first."

Yes, it's every bit as gruesome as one would expect. Crude, too, but honestly so. You could call some of it "prurient," "twisted," and "sick" but it's not there (I don't think, based on my cursory reading) to shock--and that's actually part of the problem. It's the presentation of "Yes, this is the sick and twisted everyday life of some sick and twisted characters" that makes it hard to swallow. Maybe one day I'll grow up enough to handle it, but not before I've gone through a few more volumes of Buk's poetry (and god, there're a lot of them).

6
There is noooo...number six.

7
Coming soon (when I feel like pulling the camera back out): Productivity pr0n!

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

...or should I say, "Bi-Weekly?"

I have no idea what this means since I don't watch LOST and it's now too far gone for me to spend the time catching up. It doesn't help that both times I tried to watch it, I saw the same two episodes.

You scored as Kate. You are Kate! Even with your spotty past of bank robbery and trouble you are a known as a nice girl who loves adventure. You are one of the guys and will always volunteer to go exploring. Kate 69% Shannon 56% Boone 50% Sawyer 44% Jack 38% Michael 38% Sun 38% Locke 31% Sayid 31% Charlie 19% Claire 19% Which "Lost" character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

I'm a complicated man. No one understands me but my woman.

Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali

You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers. There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

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Zzzzz...

Last week, I attended a public lecture by the very man who invented the term "power nap," Cornell University professor and researcher Dr. James Maas. His research and presentation have convinced me to take sleep hygeine a lot more seriously. I figured if his advice was credited by Sarah Hughes to help her win the gold medal in the 2002 Olympics (apparently, she's come down every fall since then to visit his Psych 101 class, gold medal in hand), it was good enough for me.

Maas's solution--eight hours of sleep at the same time every night. "Can't do it," you say? Well, like anything else, it's going to take some shoe-horning, to say the least. But, if a then-budding professional figure skater can make it work, I can't imagine what excuse most of the rest of us has.

Check out his stuff, all backed by current scientific research.

I can only say that after 4 days of implementing this, I've noticed a significant change. It's not a "magic bullet" for a quick energy boost, but I just don't feel like an utter zombie anymore.

The most facinating bit of research, the specific bit that helped Hughes in 2002, was a brand new finding around that time. (This might be of specific interest to Guru Mushtaq, if he hasn't heard this already, though I wouldn't be surprised if he had). Between the sixth and eighth hour of sleep (sleep that 71% of us cheat ourselves out of, according to the University of Chicago), the brain uses calcium to help cement the neural pathways to preserve practiced motor skills.

Getting adequate rest before and after learning only helps you retain it. And, not only that, the 71% of folks who think they're "getting by" have brains that are functioning just a little better than those of untreated narcoleptics and sleep-apnea sufferers.

That opened my eyes--or rather, closed them for 8 hours, every night for the past four nights. I've concluded that I don't have the time NOT to sleep like I need to be.

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Spreading the Word

If I wasn't on a watchlist before for openly mocking what passes for Homeland Security in the State of Ohio and spreading it around, then I must be now, after this.

Doesn't it just want to make you bang your own head on the table?

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

(Maybe it should be "Semi-" at this point? Maybe, "Bi-"?)

I know I've taken a different version before, but it never hurts to re-assess.

Which Doctor (from Doctor Who) Are You?

You are the second Doctor! You act the part of the clown quite well. However, this is merely to mask your massive intelligence and catch your enemies off guard. You have a fondness for music, even if you're not particularly talented in that area yourself. You'll face a variety of monsters before your through, and have a great time at it.
Take this quiz!







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Doctor Who, Series 2 is now over. It was good, and light years ahead of the old series in every conceivable way. It didn't keep me on the edge of my seat as much as Series 1 did, though, until the last story arc and the episode "The Girl in the Fireplace." I agree with what Neil Gaiman said--that episode deserves a Hugo.

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Out on the Global Frequency

I sent a link to the blank version of this to Mr. Ellis earlier this evening.

He put it up about 10 minutes later. I hate to malign my home state, but idiocy is idiocy.

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Proud to Be an...Yeah...

There are moments when I miss Ohio. And, there are moments when I'm truly, truly ashamed.

Apparently, this is a form from the Ohio Dept. of Public Safety's Division of Homeland Security that one fills out nowadays when anyone applys for any sort of public service job. Steve-o got one, and was understandably incensed. Note his response.

I fully understand the "why." But, are they serious??



"Hey, maybe--just maybe--the terr'rists will slip up and turn themselves in!"

Idiots.

Yes, this is real--here it is.

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Using Your Anger

Good! Use your aggresive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.

-Emperor Palpatine, Return of the Jedi

So, the benefits office at the Big Red school on the hill made Error #2 concerning my health benefits. The first error was simple, easily understood, and more importantly didn't cost me much in time and effort to fix. This new error could potentially cost me an extra $170 per month for the rest of 2006 unless I get it fixed now. On top of that, I'm utterly mystified as to how a mistake like this could be made.

Now, I'm sure the benefits office will do their utmost to correct the mistake. But, I also know how bureaucracies work. Corrective action is slow, especially when other bureaucracies are involved, and never painless for the person seeking remedy. That's no one's fault, really--just the way things are set up oftentimes.

I'm pretty much prepared to make someone's life a (metaphorical) living hell come Wednesday. I have not only my righteous anger, but documentation to back me up. I am utterly in the right--SO right that should they ask (as most bureaucracies will) for my indulgence and patience in the corrective process, I could tell them to kiss my @$$.

I've lined up my paperwork. I've lined up the sorts of verbal and non-verbal behaviors designed to keep them off-balance, and I've done most of the homework necessary to know about their chain of command, and whose name to drop if I had to. I'm prepared to go in there like Chow Yun-Fat with two glocks (Metaphorically speaking!!!).

I know about 75% of the folks that read this will say, "Damn straight! This is your insurance, you can't mess around with that. Fcuk them!" Heck, at least 20% of those folks would advocate me going in there and reciting Al Pacino's speech to Kevin Spacey in Glengarry Glen Ross. ("I don't wanna hear siht, and I don't give a siht!" "Your excuses are your own!") But, I know some of you may rightly ask, "What, you've never made mistakes? You've never incurred someone's righteous anger?"

I have to admit that yes, I've done both and repeatedly.

Some may ask, "Doesn't that give you any sympathy for the poor slob whose day you're bound to ruin--some schlub who was unlucky enough to get assigned to fix a problem he/she probably had no hand in causing, whatsoever?"

The unfortunate truth is, not as much as I used to have. Yes, I've shown sympathy and mercy. But, as I become involved in more and more things where the stakes get higher and higher--insurance for my family, money matters, etc.--the more inclined I am to use every means at my disposal, fair and unfair, to get what I need done.

It's all become a simple equation, really. I can either accept and shoulder some of the burden (that I don't deserve) as the bureaucratic, corrective process takes effect, showing understanding and sympathy to all involved. Or, I could use--and abuse--my modestly extensive knowledge of how bureaucratic systems work. I could raise holy hell, use all sorts of psychological verbal and nonverbal strategies, drop names, involve supervisors and higher ups (You know I've shmoozed with the ones in my area since Day One, for just such an occassion.) until I get what's legitimately mine, probably causing someone at least some amount of psychic damage for the sake of expediting the process. Let's face it, the squeaky wheel, etc.

It's perfectly reasonable to ask, "What would Jesus do?" It's also just as reasonable to wonder, "What would Jesus do if he had a family to take care of in a world of rising health care costs?"

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Knowing Exactly What to Say

You know those moments where you think back and say, "I should've said...?" I could've had one of those, but not today.

Today, in an email to the Wife, I had the perfect opportunity to appropriately use this quote:

I'm trying to run an office. Now, will you go to lunch? Go to lunch! Will you go to lunch?

Now, I just have to find someone (other than the Wife) to say, "Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going OUT!"

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

What Disney Ride Are You? The Haunted Mansion You're probably dead...at least on the inside. You're the Haunted Mansion!!

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

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You Know It's True

From Discovery Channel News...

Serious Study: Immaturity Levels Rising
Jennifer Viegas, Discovery News

June 23, 2006 —The adage "like a kid at heart" may be truer than we think, since new research is showing that grown-ups are more immature than ever.

Specifically, it seems a growing number of people are retaining the behaviors and attitudes associated with youth.

As a consequence, many older people simply never achieve mental adulthood, according to a leading expert on evolutionary psychiatry.

Among scientists, the phenomenon is called psychological neoteny.

I read this and thought, "Yeah right." But then in my mind I went through a list of folks between the ages of 21 to 25 that I know or know of. I actually see a marked difference between those young adults who have left school (or maybe never finished) and got a job, especially a job people might call "demeaning" nowadays and those who've continued on with school ad nauseum or who still have one foot in some sort of psychological safety net (grad school, internships, and the like).

That isn't to say that one level is necessarily better than another--each has its own pros and cons. But, I've seen the difference.

I also know that there was a time where I would've loved to have stayed in grad school for the rest of my life...

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No They Di'int!

Aw, hell no...



From here.

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Inbox Makeover

Well, email's not quite a home, but I gave my main inbox a makeover, deleted a bunch of folders, eliminated 2/3 of my filters, and junked over 1,000 old messages with information I acted on, couldn't file, or that I had no further use for whatsoever. It was about 90 minutes of work spread out over a day, and that's only because I was such a packrat. Now, it's all streamlined.

Of course, part of the streamlining process meant deactivating the forwarding of the blog's email account (incidentally, the same addy I use for message boards and stuff) to my main email. So, if I'm a little slow(er) to respond to comments and such, I apologize now. But don't fret. I'm experimenting with gmail's POP access, so I'll be checking that account (along with my RSS feeds) on a regular basis.

Anyway, check out the article. Keep yourself sorted and sane.

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Music Agenda

For this past week, yet more soulful white boys...

powered by frazy.com

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

Depending on whether you're a glass-half-full or half-empty kind of person, this is either 5 days late or 2 days early. Either way, from B...

1. name: See the end of the post
2. birthday: See the blog address
3. place of residence: Near the ivory towers atop a cloud-covered academic Olympus, out of touch from the sort of "salt of the earth" folks (read: Jeff Foxworthy's core audience) we used to live around. B knows what I'm talking about.
4. what makes you happy: My wife, bladed weapons, writing, music, regenerative solitude, Chinese chicken wings, breaded buffalo wings, bacon, eggs & rice for breakfast, mom's lumpia and her spaghetti sauce, my trumpet, and my laptop.
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last: I haven't gotten to that post yet. I will, soon.
6. do you read my lj: B has an LJ...?
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it: Wait...B doesn't have an LJ...?
8. an interesting fact about you: I can sing along with the horn parts of every Chicago song, from 1969 to today.
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment: If I wasn't, I wouldn't be married.
10. favorite place to be: Donkey Coffee in Athens. A couple of I-town coffee shops come close, but no cigar...
11. favorite lyric: ...but there ain't no Coup De Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box (Meatloaf's "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad")
12. best time of the year: The fall
13. Do you remember when we met? Yes...both of us being extra polite to the other one rather than potentially piss off someone who could've been, for all we knew at the time, a second-generation Kali Illustrisimo player.
14. Have I been a good friend to you? No one else has ever given me a two-handed machete!
15. Tell me something you've never told me before. No :)

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me: You kept working with me, despite your previous experiences with having been "raped for your art."
2. two things you like about yourself: I'm still 25 pounds lighter than I was 5 years ago and my life motto, "If I can learn kung-fu, I can learn __________."
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you. Or your Blogger blog, your MySpace, whatsoever...and make sure you tell me about it if you don't have an RSS feed.
4. post a picture of you (if possible). No, it's impossible...so impossible, I signed up for a Flickr account (see the sidebar) :).

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Ketchup

This time, this one time, I've got no real excuse for not having blogged for over a week, other than to say I've just been too lazy between the things I've had to do. That's all--nothing personal.

So, where to begin...

1
Last week, I started a class in Vinyasa Yoga. It turns out one of the folks I work with is a relatively well-known local instructor, not just in yoga, but kung-fu, qigong, and tai chi--the same style of tai chi, in fact, studied by Ms. Bizarro back when we lived in A-Town. She actually emailed him first about six months before I started working at my present job. Ithaca really is a small town.

I finally decided to start after finally trusting my body and listening to what I believe it's been telling me I've been needing, which are (a) a series of serious exercises that I can do myself in a confined space and (b) a sort of psychic change of pace from the study of bone-breaking, weapon-oriented, southeast Asian arts. (Not that I've given up on those entirely--I've still got the name and number of a local FMA/WMA instructor!)

2
Ms. Bizarro just had a Mac Attack--that is, one of the brand new Intel-powered MacBooks! Congratulate her; she's just joined the 21st century! It's a sweet machine. This two-year old beast of mine is definitely old and busted compared to what she's got. But, she deserves it--she's spent the better part of the last three years dealing with hand-me-down or work computers without any tool of her own to make her writing dreams come true. Now she's got it.

3
As if I don't have enough damn books, I managed to score Pynchon's The Crying of Lot 49 for free from a friend who's moving. And, needless to say, the minute I came across a cheap second-hand copy of his collection Slow Learner, I grabbed it!

The mysterious Mr. Pynchon is, of course, a graduate of the Big Red school on the hill.



4
I've been feeling less and less badly about shopping at second hand bookstores and even the two big-boxes because there was almost nowhere else since the Bookery II closed down a few months ago.

Well, a few weeks ago, the store reopened under new management with only some slight changes. I haven't talked to anyone yet who isn't jumping for joy that it's back. I shared this with one of the staff members who said that she'd been hearing the same thing, and that she tells all those people, "If you want to show your appreciation, buy a book!"

That's not to say that I'll give up sitting in the Borders cafe, observing and making note of my fellow customers' behavior.

5
Lastly, a choice to make. Which do I buy first? This or this?

B or Steve-O--thoughts?

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Memoir of a Martial Arts Master

This is for B, Steveo, and all of my friends and fellow-students of the martial arts. Not since Tao of Jeet Kune Do has there been so much martial wisdom in one place. Behold...

Still Kicking: The Very Authorized Biography of Steven Segal, Volume II, Pgs. 567-568
by Jared Bloom

from McSweeney's

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Riveted

I know I've got more important things to post about, but I just had to take the time to say that I'm glad I caught the Men's Final of the French Open just moments ago (I had completely forgotten about it--it's that time of the year) between Roger Federer and Raphael Nadal.

I won't spoil it because of time differences, and what not, but I will say that whatever happens, the end of the fourth set was utterly stupefying!

Back in a mo' with some of the other things I've been meaning to talk about.

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My Weekly Personality Analysis

You all thought I forgot, didn't you?

You scored as Anything-Goes Goth. You are very open minded. You may or may not be devoted to your "Gothickry," but you aren't anal about it either way, and you are willing to explore the various niches of the gothic subculture. Anything-Goes Goth 63% Understanding Outsider 63% Cyber-goth 63% Fantasy Goth 58% Old-school Goth 46% Ethereal Goth 46% Romantic Goth 42% Death Rocker 38% Confused Outsider 38% Perky Goff 29% Industrial/Rivet-Head 29% What subcategory of Goth best fits you? created with QuizFarm.com

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